My Manic Life

Misery

2008-11-14T00:26:41+01:00

My son Jordan (age 2) was rushed to hospital by ambulance last night.

He had an asthma attack and was also diagnosed with a viral infection.

Seeing my little boy gasping and panting for breath was heart breaking and to make matters worse his twin sister has a cold and my 6 month old son has a viral infection too and my 8yr old daughter has a cold and earache.

So all my children are poorly, Some more so than others but all poorly in one way or another. It makes me question myself as a mother. The Dr said it's common for this to happen at this time of year but that doesn't make me feel any better.

My health visitor says I have post natal depression, I admit things are really hard for me at the moment. I can't even begin to write about all the crap that's going on in my life. I don't feel like I can cope anymore. My head is full of suicidal thoughts, thoughts of running away and not coming back, I know in my heart I will not kill myself and I certainly don't WANT to die, I could never leave my kids that way but still I do think about it and ask myself "what if" "what would happen" and so on.

I feel so emotionally drained at the moment, I just want to run away from it all, I'm so unhappy and my heart is in pain.

My marriage is hanging together by a thread for reasons I am solely responsible for. I'm nasty and bad tempered towards my husband everyday and I don't know why.

I try and be nice to him but I always end up lashing out and saying hurtful things, Things I don't mean. I love him more than words could ever express and I don't understand my behaviour. I feel so guilty for everything I have said and done and yet I keep doing it.

I am a complete failure at being a wife and I'm an even worse mother. I always said I would never hurt my children like my mother hurt me but I am already. I avoid being around them as much as possible and when I am with them I'm irritable and moody. My 6 month old son probably hardly knows me, his father is his mother, I am someone who looks after him once in a while....We live in the same house yet I probably see him for less than 2 hours a day. I hide in my bedroom and let his father look after him and the other children.

I am sitting here deeply ashamed as I write this, I fail my children everyday...They deserve more than I can give. I don't deserve to be there mother. My children are ill and I feel sorry for myself! How Pathetic!

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Hate Hate Hate

2008-11-06T04:40:04+01:00

I'm not sure I get this whole blog thingy....anyway...

My health visitor came today, he says I have post natal depression...No shit sherlock!
I'm not an idiot, I knew that already.
So what am I going to do about it? Nothing.
I don't want to go back on anti depressants and I certainly don't want to do the whole "therapy" thing.
I don't want to pour my guts out to a stranger who gets paid to listen to my crap.
WTF good will that do? I have done therapy before for my depression and it's a waste of bloody time.
I DONT feel better sharing my problems with a counsellor. I don't like sharing what goes on in my head.
Ok so I guess that's what I'm doing now but I'm only sharing a tiny bit, I'm not sharing my deepest darkest thoughts, Fuck if I did that I'd be sectioned! Again...

I have been depressed for....erm...well I can't remember a time I wasn't depressed!
It's something that I have lived with for a long long time, I also have anger issues, I can fly into a rage at the drop off a hat.
I could blame my mother for she is a twat and I doubt has the capacity to love anyone but herself,
I could blame my abusive childhood, I could blame my upbringing in care,
I could blame a lot of things for my depressive nature but if I'm honest with myself I truly believe I am mentally flawed in some way.
I don't think or feel like normal people, I don't understand "happy" people, Truth be told I don't understand "normal" people.
I don't fit in with "normal" and don't say there is no such thing as normal! There is that stereotypical normal that most people are, or at least try to be.
I stopped trying to fit in and be normal a long time ago.
I am a self confessed loner, I have one friend and that's my husband. I have no other friends at all. It's been that way since I left school.
My reasoning is, the less people I allow in my life the less people there are to hurt me or stab me in the back.
I do a lot of "people watching", I watch the world go by and I look at society today and I hate what I see.
Selfishness, Arrogance, Greed, Drugs, Spite, Violence, I hate the way most people see nothing but what goes on in there own life.
I hate the fact that there are more nasty and selfish people in the world than there are nice people.
I hate the fact that I can't trust anyone because there are so many bastards in the world.
I hate the fact I hate so much.

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Suicide.

2008-11-03T23:09:06+01:00

Suicide is not chosen: It happens when pain exceeds coping resources.

Suicide is easy, It's living with the pain and need to die that's hard.

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Crap,Crap & More Crap

2008-11-03T22:10:26+01:00

Had A Crap Birthday (31st Oct) to go with my crap life..whats the fuckin point of all this crap!

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A poem I wrote many years ago.

2008-10-23T01:24:41+02:00

You Called Me An Angel…

You called me an angel, there must be a twist

I've not seen an angel with scars on her wrist

Or blood seeping from dark cuts in her arm,

Have you ever seen an angel self-harm?

An angel who writes about horror in hell

And darkening poems with stories to tell,

I thought they were beautiful and flew with white wings

My lullaby is not what an angel sings.

A halo of thorns rings my scarred head

Not shining white, but a glistening red,

My dress is stained; it’s ripped and torn,

My eyes are dull, my expression is worn.

An angel, well surely she lives without pain?

No crying or screaming or hurting again,

No strangled whispers of slow broken song

An angel you say? I'm afraid you are wrong.

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Failed As Usual

2008-10-21T22:00:48+02:00

I don't think I have ever felt like such a failure in all my life.
I fail at being a mother big time, I'm a crap wife and an incompetent
member of society.

Feeling sorry for myself? Yes and I won't apoloigise for it either.
I really have had some dark thoughts lately, Would it be better if I wasn't around anymore?
I just make my family miserable, They would all be better of without me.

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Why does love hurt so much?

2008-10-03T01:07:37+02:00

My husband and I are having some kind of marriage crisis.
We have been argueing for....well for ages really.
I am extremerly hard to live with I must admit, I have a very quick temper and when annoyed I can be a really nasty bitch. I fly of the handle at the slightest things lately.
I have an amazing husband who cooks,cleans and looks after the children, He is gorgeously sexy, strong yet compassionate, he is everything you could want in a man and I treat him like crap! Yes I'm a complete fucking bitch!
Why? I don't know....

I'm not very good at emotional stuff, I learnt from a very early age that emotions should be hidden, feelings shouldn't be talked about and hugs and kisses are unnecessary and most of all uncomfortable.
Saying sorry is a sign of weakness and defence is the best offence...
I know that's all bullshit but those are the lessons I learnt from my mother and from my abusive childhood.
I am a very negative person, I see the negative side of everything, If I see something positive I view it with deep sceptisism and paranoia...
I have a lot to be happy for, I have 4 gorgeous children, a wonderful husband, a nice home (although it's a fkin mess atm due to the redecorating we are having done since the ceiling fell down, Thats another story!) I don't have any huge financial worries, I mean we have the usual money worries like most people, but we don't need to worry where the next meal is coming from!
I guess if I had to write down my worries and troubles they would be very trivial and I think many a person would swap theres for mine but still I seem ungrateful and often I think feel sorry for myself when deep down I know I'm very lucky.

I always seem to fuck things up, if something is going right you can guarantee I will come along and ruin it.
Why my husband has stayed with me for so long (8yrs) I don't know.
I have anger issues I'm sure...I'm just such a stress head!
I want to be a nicer person, I want to be a better mother and wife, I also want to be a size 0 but that aint gonna happen either!

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A Bit About Me..

2008-10-01T22:18:56+02:00

I never know what to write when I'm writing about myself, I never try and sound cool or interesting as I just end up looking like a prat so I basically tell it how it is warts and all, Not that I have warts you understand I'm being...what's that word?
Metaphorical? Great now I'm trying to sound intelligent and that never works for me either

Anyway I'm 28 soon to be 29 on Oct 31st (yes halloween), I'm absolutely gutted that I'm past age 25, I feel so old . I don't feel 28 I still feel 21.
I'm married to David and we have 4 children.
An 8yr old, 21Month old twins! and a 5month old baby (Yes I was that stupid!)

I wish I could say that I find being a parent a joy but right now I can't, It's depressing, exhausting and stressful.
I love my children dearly but I must admit being a parent doesn't come naturally to me. I think I have some kind of post-natal depression but I keep avoiding the issue.
Moving on...

I used to be a chef, I'm currently working for Avon.
I'm also attending weight watchers (having babies kills your figure!) I'm awaiting surgery as I've recently been diagnosed with gallstones and pancreatitis, which let me tell you is sheer agony!
I doubt I will get the surgery before Xmas .

This is all so depressing lol...
I'm into the "Goth scene" (purple hair, eyebrow piercing's). lol
Anyway enough about me personally...

My day has been pretty crappy, My son is poorly, he has a lot of health problems, Including asthma, eczema and food allergies to name but a few.
I took him to the GP today and he has a viral infection of some kind and flu.
He's just been really sad and sore today, inside and out! It's his 2nd birthday on sunday I hope he will be better for that. His twin sister is a little snuffly and so is the baby, they caught it from my husband who has been ill with flu this last week.
No doubt I'm next.

I went to weight watchers today, Iv lost 2 stone in total (in about 3 months).
(I'll post some pics of myself soon),
Anyway I'm boring myself so your probably bored too...
I'll update tomorrow. If you read this far thanks

DBxx

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