My son Jordan (age 2) was rushed to hospital by ambulance last night.

He had an asthma attack and was also diagnosed with a viral infection.

Seeing my little boy gasping and panting for breath was heart breaking and to make matters worse his twin sister has a cold and my 6 month old son has a viral infection too and my 8yr old daughter has a cold and earache.

So all my children are poorly, Some more so than others but all poorly in one way or another. It makes me question myself as a mother. The Dr said it's common for this to happen at this time of year but that doesn't make me feel any better.

My health visitor says I have post natal depression, I admit things are really hard for me at the moment. I can't even begin to write about all the crap that's going on in my life. I don't feel like I can cope anymore. My head is full of suicidal thoughts, thoughts of running away and not coming back, I know in my heart I will not kill myself and I certainly don't WANT to die, I could never leave my kids that way but still I do think about it and ask myself "what if" "what would happen" and so on.

I feel so emotionally drained at the moment, I just want to run away from it all, I'm so unhappy and my heart is in pain.

My marriage is hanging together by a thread for reasons I am solely responsible for. I'm nasty and bad tempered towards my husband everyday and I don't know why.

I try and be nice to him but I always end up lashing out and saying hurtful things, Things I don't mean. I love him more than words could ever express and I don't understand my behaviour. I feel so guilty for everything I have said and done and yet I keep doing it.

I am a complete failure at being a wife and I'm an even worse mother. I always said I would never hurt my children like my mother hurt me but I am already. I avoid being around them as much as possible and when I am with them I'm irritable and moody. My 6 month old son probably hardly knows me, his father is his mother, I am someone who looks after him once in a while....We live in the same house yet I probably see him for less than 2 hours a day. I hide in my bedroom and let his father look after him and the other children.

I am sitting here deeply ashamed as I write this, I fail my children everyday...They deserve more than I can give. I don't deserve to be there mother. My children are ill and I feel sorry for myself! How Pathetic!