I'm not sure I get this whole blog thingy....anyway...
My health visitor came today, he says I have post natal depression...No shit sherlock!
I'm not an idiot, I knew that already.
So what am I going to do about it? Nothing.
I don't want to go back on anti depressants and I certainly don't want to do the whole "therapy" thing.
I don't want to pour my guts out to a stranger who gets paid to listen to my crap.
WTF good will that do? I have done therapy before for my depression and it's a waste of bloody time.
I DONT feel better sharing my problems with a counsellor. I don't like sharing what goes on in my head.
Ok so I guess that's what I'm doing now but I'm only sharing a tiny bit, I'm not sharing my deepest darkest thoughts, Fuck if I did that I'd be sectioned! Again...
I have been depressed for....erm...well I can't remember a time I wasn't depressed!
It's something that I have lived with for a long long time, I also have anger issues, I can fly into a rage at the drop off a hat.
I could blame my mother for she is a twat and I doubt has the capacity to love anyone but herself,
I could blame my abusive childhood, I could blame my upbringing in care,
I could blame a lot of things for my depressive nature but if I'm honest with myself I truly believe I am mentally flawed in some way.
I don't think or feel like normal people, I don't understand "happy" people, Truth be told I don't understand "normal" people.
I don't fit in with "normal" and don't say there is no such thing as normal! There is that stereotypical normal that most people are, or at least try to be.
I stopped trying to fit in and be normal a long time ago.
I am a self confessed loner, I have one friend and that's my husband. I have no other friends at all. It's been that way since I left school.
My reasoning is, the less people I allow in my life the less people there are to hurt me or stab me in the back.
I do a lot of "people watching", I watch the world go by and I look at society today and I hate what I see.
Selfishness, Arrogance, Greed, Drugs, Spite, Violence, I hate the way most people see nothing but what goes on in there own life.
I hate the fact that there are more nasty and selfish people in the world than there are nice people.
I hate the fact that I can't trust anyone because there are so many bastards in the world.
I hate the fact I hate so much.
