My Manic Life

My son Jordan (age 2) was rushed to hospital by ambulance last night.

He had an asthma attack and was also diagnosed with a viral infection.

Seeing my little boy gasping and panting for breath was heart breaking and to make matters worse his twin sister has a cold and my 6 month old son has a viral infection too and my 8yr old daughter has a cold and earache.

So all my children are poorly, Some more so than others but all poorly in one way or another. It makes me question myself as a mother. The Dr said it's common for this to happen at this time of year but that doesn't make me feel any better.

My health visitor says I have post natal depression, I admit things are really hard for me at the moment. I can't even begin to write about all the crap that's going on in my life. I don't feel like I can cope anymore. My head is full of suicidal thoughts, thoughts of running away and not coming back, I know in my heart I will not kill myself and I certainly don't WANT to die, I could never leave my kids that way but still I do think about it and ask myself "what if" "what would happen" and so on.

I feel so emotionally drained at the moment, I just want to run away from it all, I'm so unhappy and my heart is in pain.

My marriage is hanging together by a thread for reasons I am solely responsible for. I'm nasty and bad tempered towards my husband everyday and I don't know why.

I try and be nice to him but I always end up lashing out and saying hurtful things, Things I don't mean. I love him more than words could ever express and I don't understand my behaviour. I feel so guilty for everything I have said and done and yet I keep doing it.

I am a complete failure at being a wife and I'm an even worse mother. I always said I would never hurt my children like my mother hurt me but I am already. I avoid being around them as much as possible and when I am with them I'm irritable and moody. My 6 month old son probably hardly knows me, his father is his mother, I am someone who looks after him once in a while....We live in the same house yet I probably see him for less than 2 hours a day. I hide in my bedroom and let his father look after him and the other children.

I am sitting here deeply ashamed as I write this, I fail my children everyday...They deserve more than I can give. I don't deserve to be there mother. My children are ill and I feel sorry for myself! How Pathetic!

I'm not sure I get this whole blog thingy....anyway...

My health visitor came today, he says I have post natal depression...No shit sherlock!
I'm not an idiot, I knew that already.
So what am I going to do about it?      Nothing.
I don't want to go back on anti depressants and I certainly don't want to do the whole "therapy" thing.
I don't want to pour my guts out to a stranger who gets paid to listen to my crap.
WTF good will that do? I have done therapy before for my depression and it's a waste of bloody time.
I DONT feel better sharing my problems with a counsellor. I don't like sharing what goes on in my head.
Ok so I guess that's what I'm doing now but I'm only sharing a tiny bit, I'm not sharing my deepest darkest thoughts, Fuck if I did that I'd be sectioned!     Again...

I have been depressed for....erm...well I can't remember a time I wasn't depressed!
It's something that I have lived with for a long long time, I also have anger issues, I can fly into a rage at the drop off a hat.
I could blame my mother for she is a twat and I doubt has the capacity to love anyone but herself,
I could blame my abusive childhood, I could blame my upbringing in care,
I could blame a lot of things for my depressive nature but if I'm honest with myself I truly believe I am mentally flawed in some way.
I don't think or feel like normal people, I don't understand "happy" people, Truth be told I don't understand "normal" people.
I don't fit in with "normal" and don't say there is no such thing as normal!  There is that stereotypical normal that most people are, or at least try to be.
I stopped trying to fit in and be normal a long time ago.
I am a self confessed loner, I have one friend and that's my husband. I have no other friends at all. It's been that way since I left school.
My reasoning is, the less people I allow in my life the less people there are to hurt me or stab me in the back.
I do a lot of "people watching", I watch the world go by and I look at society today and I hate what I see.
Selfishness, Arrogance, Greed, Drugs, Spite, Violence, I hate the way most people see nothing but what goes on in there own life.
I hate the fact that there are more nasty and selfish people in the world than there are nice people.
I hate the fact that I can't trust anyone because there are so many bastards in the world.
I hate the fact I hate so much.

Suicide is not chosen: It happens when pain exceeds coping resources.

Suicide is easy, It's living with the pain and need to die that's hard.

Had A Crap Birthday (31st Oct) to go with my crap life..whats the fuckin point of all this crap!