Archive - My Manic Life

A poem I wrote many years ago.

by DarkBltch @ 2008-10-23 – 01:24:41

You Called Me An Angel…

You called me an angel, there must be a twist

I've not seen an angel with scars on her wrist

Or blood seeping from dark cuts in her arm,

Have you ever seen an angel self-harm?

*

An angel who writes about horror in hell

And darkening poems with stories to tell,

I thought they were beautiful and flew with white wings

My lullaby is not what an angel sings.

*

A halo of thorns rings my scarred head

Not shining white, but a glistening red,

My dress is stained; it’s ripped and torn,

My eyes are dull, my expression is worn.

*

An angel, well surely she lives without pain?

No crying or screaming or hurting again,

No strangled whispers of slow broken song

An angel you say? I'm afraid you are wrong.

Failed As Usual

by DarkBltch @ 2008-10-21 – 22:00:48

I don't think I have ever felt like such a failure in all my life.
I fail at being a mother big time, I'm a crap wife and an incompetent
member of society.

Feeling sorry for myself? Yes and I won't apoloigise for it either.
I really have had some dark thoughts lately, Would it be better if I wasn't around anymore?
I just make my family miserable, They would all be better of without me.

Why does love hurt so much?

by DarkBltch @ 2008-10-03 – 01:07:37

My husband and I are having some kind of marriage crisis.
We have been argueing for....well for ages really.
I am extremerly hard to live with I must admit, I have a very quick temper and when annoyed I can be a really nasty bitch. I fly of the handle at the slightest things lately.
I have an amazing husband who cooks,cleans and looks after the children, He is gorgeously sexy, strong yet compassionate, he is everything you could want in a man and I treat him like crap! Yes I'm a complete fucking bitch!
Why? I don't know....

I'm not very good at emotional stuff, I learnt from a very early age that emotions should be hidden, feelings shouldn't be talked about and hugs and kisses are unnecessary and most of all uncomfortable.
Saying sorry is a sign of weakness and defence is the best offence...
I know that's all bullshit but those are the lessons I learnt from my mother and from my abusive childhood.
I am a very negative person, I see the negative side of everything, If I see something positive I view it with deep sceptisism and paranoia...
I have a lot to be happy for, I have 4 gorgeous children, a wonderful husband, a nice home (although it's a fkin mess atm due to the redecorating we are having done since the ceiling fell down, Thats another story!) I don't have any huge financial worries, I mean we have the usual money worries like most people, but we don't need to worry where the next meal is coming from!
I guess if I had to write down my worries and troubles they would be very trivial and I think many a person would swap theres for mine but still I seem ungrateful and often I think feel sorry for myself when deep down I know I'm very lucky.

I always seem to fuck things up, if something is going right you can guarantee I will come along and ruin it.
Why my husband has stayed with me for so long (8yrs) I don't know.
I have anger issues I'm sure...I'm just such a stress head!
I want to be a nicer person, I want to be a better mother and wife, I also want to be a size 0 but that aint gonna happen either!

A Bit About Me..

by DarkBltch @ 2008-10-01 – 22:18:56

I never know what to write when I'm writing about myself, I never try and sound cool or interesting as I just end up looking like a prat so I basically tell it how it is warts and all, Not that I have warts you understand I'm being...what's that word?
Metaphorical? Great now I'm trying to sound intelligent and that never works for me either

Anyway I'm 28 soon to be 29 on Oct 31st (yes halloween), I'm absolutely gutted that I'm past age 25, I feel so old . I don't feel 28 I still feel 21.
I'm married to David and we have 4 children.
An 8yr old, 21Month old twins! and a 5month old baby (Yes I was that stupid!)

I wish I could say that I find being a parent a joy but right now I can't, It's depressing, exhausting and stressful.
I love my children dearly but I must admit being a parent doesn't come naturally to me. I think I have some kind of post-natal depression but I keep avoiding the issue.
Moving on...

I used to be a chef, I'm currently working for Avon.
I'm also attending weight watchers (having babies kills your figure!) I'm awaiting surgery as I've recently been diagnosed with gallstones and pancreatitis, which let me tell you is sheer agony!
I doubt I will get the surgery before Xmas .

This is all so depressing lol...
I'm into the "Goth scene" (purple hair, eyebrow piercing's). lol
Anyway enough about me personally...

My day has been pretty crappy, My son is poorly, he has a lot of health problems, Including asthma, eczema and food allergies to name but a few.
I took him to the GP today and he has a viral infection of some kind and flu.
He's just been really sad and sore today, inside and out! It's his 2nd birthday on sunday I hope he will be better for that. His twin sister is a little snuffly and so is the baby, they caught it from my husband who has been ill with flu this last week.
No doubt I'm next.

I went to weight watchers today, Iv lost 2 stone in total (in about 3 months).
(I'll post some pics of myself soon),
Anyway I'm boring myself so your probably bored too...
I'll update tomorrow. If you read this far thanks

DBxx